Dealing with baby weight ( STRESS RAMBLING)

For me no news is good news. I tend to only fall back in to blogging when I'm falling backwards. As a promise to my counselor and to myself whenever i start feeling bad i turn to writing instead of obsessing over my weight.

We started trying for baby number two the first of may and by the 25 I was pregnant! Great right!! well two (or three things)

1.  I'm constantly afraid something I'm doing will hurt the baby....I have one internal mini break down almost every day freaking out about how whatever I did could ruin my baby forever. I feel like why would god give two perfect babies to me, I'm the last person on earth to deserve them. (yes I'm still taking all my meds and yes they are ok for the baby)
2. It hasn't been as easy dealing with the weight gain as it was with my first. I don't know if its because I know how hard I'll have to work to get it off or if its because of the "damage" my first did to my body But I know how important it is to stay healthy and wouldn't do ANYTHING to hurt my baby.
I know its really awful, but I love her more than anything...and  I'm luckily not many people see my belly.
At 130 pounds my weight has gone down since I found out I was pregnant (I AM NOT TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT) but my belly is getting bigger and my fear is that its to soon for my belly to start growing. Well really my fear is of getting fat *ugh*
I have fallen in to the same pattern of comparing my self to that one person (who doesn't even have the same body type I do) and seeing myself as bigger than her....it doesn't help that she had a baby not to long ago, And even though family and friends tell me I'm not as big as she is I just can't shake it... I mean with my first I gained so much weight and kept it on for so long. I just don't want to get to that place where I hate my body so much that I "starve" myself to "FEEL" happy, that now I'm stressing myself to make sure that it doesn't happen, and intern it is making me so obsessive over my body that I feel like I'm regressing.
I guess the truth and the end to my thoughtless ramblings is that I had hoped it would take us a while to get pregnant and that I would have some time to lose more weight....but God had a different idea. Now that I am pregnant I fear that after this baby is born I will go back to my bad habits to lose the baby weight.
 THANKFULLY I HAVE A SUPPORT TEAM TO HELP ME THROUGH THIS ALL AT THE END OF THE DAY!

Work in progress

   On Monday I resigned from my job after having my boss take advantage of me for the last time. For five months I put in hours and hours of my time to be as good as I could be for my job and for four months I never knew when my day would start (sometimes 6am sometimes noon whenever he felt like it) or end (as early as noon as late as 730pm) I also did not know what day I would get payed, if at all that week.
    Today two days before my last official day he has the nerve to call and yell at me about how I would have been fired had I not quit. I respectfully told him that I was sorry he felt that way and he could mail me my last check...... what I really wanted to say is you have to be f-ing kidding me I worked many 12hour days not knowing what time my day would end, dealing with an extremely fussy child all for 100$ a week!
   I am the kind of person that would do anything for people I consider friends...and many people would attest to that. I am the kind of friend that will wake up in the middle of the night to pick you up and take you home and never complain. I constantly seek others approval, sometimes to much, and I really hate letting people down. So even when I knew my boss was walking all over me and I knew that the stress was pushing me back from all the progress I was making, quiting was really one of the hardest things I had to do. I guess that why I am so upset about today.

On a brighter note now that I don't have the stress of a unstructured job, I can once again focus on healing. I have removed all laxatives and scales from my house along with all my "goal" pants. I am 5 feet 7 inches 135 pounds and beautiful. Tomorrow I plan on clearing out and organizing my house, shopping for  foods (that I will eat) and viewing my new found freedom as a new start, because we all are entitled to a few do overs.

I know that with my disorder I will have relapses and my councilor's are working with me, but I have to start living for me at some point in my life. I'm only 20 something after all.

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect,

 he becomes an adolescent;

the day he forgives them,

 he becomes an adult;

the day he forgives himself,

 he becomes wise”

~ Alden Nowlan

Losing contol

lately I've been feeling like I'm losing all control. My body weight is up to 135 and its killing me. I'm getting so fat! I'm at the point where I would do anything to lose this weight...all I want to be 120 lbs and skinny. In the last few weeks I have restricted, threw up (once), and I have taken laxatives almost every day. My husband and I have been talking about trying for another baby, I'm happy with that and I know that while I'm pregnant life and eating will be normal. something about growing a baby can really take away your eating disorder,  but I'm dreading having to lose the weight after the baby is here :(

It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.  ~Buddha

Taking Steps Backward

Same old slippers, Same old rice, Same old glimpse of paradise.

   lately I have found myself in a rut. I've been doing and eating the same thing day by day for weeks now. I have also gained three pounds!! Considering that I want to be losing weight this is a HUGE deal. I even tried to throw up my food...unsuccessful. It was awful, I hated every second of it and yet at the same time it made me happy. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!

  Today I have managed not to eat but its not even 12 yet!! and I have a party tonight in which there will be lots of food :( I will be so very happy if I can make it all night, because if I make it a whole day without eating I know I will lose two to three pounds and that will put me back in the 120s and 10 pounds away from my goal!

Green With Envy

I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched

( unknown)

  I have always felt that every person you meet in life has some ability to change who you are, for good or bad. With that being said what do you do if you cant decide if  they are changing it for the good or bad, If they make you happy or upset, or even if you like them or not.

  I have such a person in my life. She is someone I both; look up to and Hate, No not hate, Dislike. I want the best for her, but at the same time I want something bad to happen to her, UGH, I hate myself for even thinking that!!! Is it really possible to both dislike and love someone?

  I feel like such an awful person but yet I'm so relieved to say this out loud. Truthfully I'm jealous of her....even possibly envious. I want her to be friends with me but I feel, I need to get past these feelings before I can even attempt to create some kind of relationship at all.

  This week my focus will be on finding out why I have such feelings and maybe even possibly start taking steps to rid myself of this ugly person I've become. Hopefully by figuring out why I have these types of feeling will get me one step closer to figuring out who I am.



Like nobody's looking

Today (Day 1)

Work like you don't need the money.

 Love like you've never been hurt.

 Dance like nobodies looking (unknown)

Look around you, tell me what do you see, I see a world consumed with appearance and fueled with the need to have the biggest best next thing. I am twenty one years old and although I'm married, I own my home and car, occasionally I find my self jealous of what others have. I know that they have worked just as hard or even harder, but I often wish things would JUST happen to me. Today I am finding my self with a smack of reality and the desire to dance the pain away.

The pain you feel while you are dancing is almost nonexistent and, it is not until you step back and relax that you realize "oh that did hurt" Much like the stinging pain of life. As i take a moment to sit back and let it all hit me I'm realizing that, yes indeed I had a crappy year last year, and yes things aren't looking up for a great year in 2011. Even with all that (and yes it does hurt) I find myself in a joyous sort of moods today. How? I simply remember that; living life is like a dance it, only hurts when you dwell on the pain, and once its over, you have no chance to go back.

Time to Bare it all

This blog is for me to express how I truly feel in a world consumed by image. For the first time in my life I have decided to focus my energy on happiness. In doing so I will need a safe place, free of the worlds criticism, to vent and express my, not so happy all the time, feelings. I want to create some place that is solely my own. Also I am not trying to hide my identity ( its just not necessary for you to know) however if at some point you figure out who I am, and you continue to read, then please respect my wishes and do not ever bring it up to me that you know.

This past year was tough, not only did two of my demons come back from the past but I faced a whole new ball game when I lost several extremely important family members.

#1, Since I started dancing in high school I have been extremely focused on my weight. It would consume my thoughts and I would go days where I took in nothing but lemonade. I didn't think I was fat, I was just afraid of getting fat. I never weighed myself but I made sure my size 2/3 jeans never got tight. when I got pregnant I thought it was all over, but quickly the depression of my changing body, young relationship, and being a teen caught up with me. I coped with this by eating I would force myself to eat and told myself I was happy. The end result = 80 pound weight gain ( at over 200 pounds the day I delivered). My Baby was born and I was in love, so much so that I didn't care about my extra baggage. A year later we had a pictures taken, I realized after looking at the pictures how big a really looked. Then the cycle began, I've now lost all but 10 pounds and I'm slowly realizing that I look fine the way I am and I'm working towards getting to my happy place.

#2 I could try to blame it all on being raped, beat up, kicked out, or on my OCD and even my lack of a father or mother figure in my life. However you try to explain it away my my depression is a demon I've been fighting with my whole life. I don't know if I will ever feel good enough, not only for myself but family and friends. I try so hard to make people like me that I often build up aggression and frustration and then explode on them. I have lost more than a few good friends and possibly the only chance I have to actually have an older sister to look up to, because of how hard I try, I end up pushing away everyone I love. Even sitting here I'm thinking what if;

what if they find this and know who I'm talking about...what if they hate me even more than they already did...will i regret this?

not so pretty feet