Time to Bare it all

This blog is for me to express how I truly feel in a world consumed by image. For the first time in my life I have decided to focus my energy on happiness. In doing so I will need a safe place, free of the worlds criticism, to vent and express my, not so happy all the time, feelings. I want to create some place that is solely my own. Also I am not trying to hide my identity ( its just not necessary for you to know) however if at some point you figure out who I am, and you continue to read, then please respect my wishes and do not ever bring it up to me that you know.

This past year was tough, not only did two of my demons come back from the past but I faced a whole new ball game when I lost several extremely important family members.

#1, Since I started dancing in high school I have been extremely focused on my weight. It would consume my thoughts and I would go days where I took in nothing but lemonade. I didn't think I was fat, I was just afraid of getting fat. I never weighed myself but I made sure my size 2/3 jeans never got tight. when I got pregnant I thought it was all over, but quickly the depression of my changing body, young relationship, and being a teen caught up with me. I coped with this by eating I would force myself to eat and told myself I was happy. The end result = 80 pound weight gain ( at over 200 pounds the day I delivered). My Baby was born and I was in love, so much so that I didn't care about my extra baggage. A year later we had a pictures taken, I realized after looking at the pictures how big a really looked. Then the cycle began, I've now lost all but 10 pounds and I'm slowly realizing that I look fine the way I am and I'm working towards getting to my happy place.

#2 I could try to blame it all on being raped, beat up, kicked out, or on my OCD and even my lack of a father or mother figure in my life. However you try to explain it away my my depression is a demon I've been fighting with my whole life. I don't know if I will ever feel good enough, not only for myself but family and friends. I try so hard to make people like me that I often build up aggression and frustration and then explode on them. I have lost more than a few good friends and possibly the only chance I have to actually have an older sister to look up to, because of how hard I try, I end up pushing away everyone I love. Even sitting here I'm thinking what if;

what if they find this and know who I'm talking about...what if they hate me even more than they already did...will i regret this?

not so pretty feet