Green With Envy

I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched

( unknown)

  I have always felt that every person you meet in life has some ability to change who you are, for good or bad. With that being said what do you do if you cant decide if  they are changing it for the good or bad, If they make you happy or upset, or even if you like them or not.

  I have such a person in my life. She is someone I both; look up to and Hate, No not hate, Dislike. I want the best for her, but at the same time I want something bad to happen to her, UGH, I hate myself for even thinking that!!! Is it really possible to both dislike and love someone?

  I feel like such an awful person but yet I'm so relieved to say this out loud. Truthfully I'm jealous of her....even possibly envious. I want her to be friends with me but I feel, I need to get past these feelings before I can even attempt to create some kind of relationship at all.

  This week my focus will be on finding out why I have such feelings and maybe even possibly start taking steps to rid myself of this ugly person I've become. Hopefully by figuring out why I have these types of feeling will get me one step closer to figuring out who I am.



Like nobody's looking

Today (Day 1)

Work like you don't need the money.

 Love like you've never been hurt.

 Dance like nobodies looking (unknown)

Look around you, tell me what do you see, I see a world consumed with appearance and fueled with the need to have the biggest best next thing. I am twenty one years old and although I'm married, I own my home and car, occasionally I find my self jealous of what others have. I know that they have worked just as hard or even harder, but I often wish things would JUST happen to me. Today I am finding my self with a smack of reality and the desire to dance the pain away.

The pain you feel while you are dancing is almost nonexistent and, it is not until you step back and relax that you realize "oh that did hurt" Much like the stinging pain of life. As i take a moment to sit back and let it all hit me I'm realizing that, yes indeed I had a crappy year last year, and yes things aren't looking up for a great year in 2011. Even with all that (and yes it does hurt) I find myself in a joyous sort of moods today. How? I simply remember that; living life is like a dance it, only hurts when you dwell on the pain, and once its over, you have no chance to go back.

Time to Bare it all

This blog is for me to express how I truly feel in a world consumed by image. For the first time in my life I have decided to focus my energy on happiness. In doing so I will need a safe place, free of the worlds criticism, to vent and express my, not so happy all the time, feelings. I want to create some place that is solely my own. Also I am not trying to hide my identity ( its just not necessary for you to know) however if at some point you figure out who I am, and you continue to read, then please respect my wishes and do not ever bring it up to me that you know.

This past year was tough, not only did two of my demons come back from the past but I faced a whole new ball game when I lost several extremely important family members.

#1, Since I started dancing in high school I have been extremely focused on my weight. It would consume my thoughts and I would go days where I took in nothing but lemonade. I didn't think I was fat, I was just afraid of getting fat. I never weighed myself but I made sure my size 2/3 jeans never got tight. when I got pregnant I thought it was all over, but quickly the depression of my changing body, young relationship, and being a teen caught up with me. I coped with this by eating I would force myself to eat and told myself I was happy. The end result = 80 pound weight gain ( at over 200 pounds the day I delivered). My Baby was born and I was in love, so much so that I didn't care about my extra baggage. A year later we had a pictures taken, I realized after looking at the pictures how big a really looked. Then the cycle began, I've now lost all but 10 pounds and I'm slowly realizing that I look fine the way I am and I'm working towards getting to my happy place.

#2 I could try to blame it all on being raped, beat up, kicked out, or on my OCD and even my lack of a father or mother figure in my life. However you try to explain it away my my depression is a demon I've been fighting with my whole life. I don't know if I will ever feel good enough, not only for myself but family and friends. I try so hard to make people like me that I often build up aggression and frustration and then explode on them. I have lost more than a few good friends and possibly the only chance I have to actually have an older sister to look up to, because of how hard I try, I end up pushing away everyone I love. Even sitting here I'm thinking what if;

what if they find this and know who I'm talking about...what if they hate me even more than they already did...will i regret this?

not so pretty feet